Hello Everyone,
Kimberly here and I came out of the closet sort of speak on the fact that I am a divorcee. I wanted this.. this current state my life is in. I am happy with myself, I have found my authentic self, I am growing stronger everyday but it sure has been a journey and will continue until the day I die. I remember sitting in my therapists office and she said to me... look at you, when you first came in to me you were crying hysterical you were dressed in dark clothing, you were a mess. Look at you now, you are wearing orange and you are radiant. What does that mean when you are about to up root your family and change life's direction. It means I was making the right choice. I made it to get me back! I was so lost!
Can you possibly be happy living a role? No! Boy do I wish someone taught me that lesson years ago. You need to live 1000 percent who you truly are in the roles life puts you in! Don't lose a centimeter of what makes your soul happy! That is the lesson I have learned and it took me a while even through this devastating time in my life. It has been hard being judged and talked about. Why am I still smiling, well, no one in this world I don't care who you are has not had a moment where they make a wrong choice, do something that is not the norm, lied, and I truly believe unless you are truly evil (Charles Manson), the reason you are brought to that moment is because you're not sure what you want or need. Something is missing, happy, content, focused people don't usually end up in those situations.
Many married couples have this problem. I remember the marriage counselor ( yes another therapist) say... Couples either grow together or they grow apart. I think that from day one you need to acknowledge what is that one thing that will tie you together and (it can't be children) because what do you do as a couple when they have their own lives one day! It has to be something intimate between the two of you. I never had that in my marriage. I didn't know I needed it, 2010, I just figured that out.
Which brings me to my next problem, moving on. I love to be in love, ( who doesn't) I love to make someone happy, I am a hopeless romantic and now that I know who I am and I will never lose her again...... I should be ready. Oh I am so not there! I am not sure if it is because I want to protect my children. Right now it is still me and their dad in their life. Very simple for them and I like that. There WILL NOT be a revolving door of boyfriends that my kids will be subjected to. NO WAY!!! So now what? I fear I will miss the right guy, I fear I have already missed him :-(
I wish I could take off to exotic world destinations. Oh the novel I could write if that were the case. Just me and the world! But when you have four little lives, how do you navigate? I only want one chapter.... "the break up" to be the worst one they read one day.
This divorce has so many layers, now onto the financial control. I have four children and I have been a stay at home mom for 10 plus years. In this economy with my last bit of education ending in the 90's what do I do. Until I make it big on my own I need to rely on his support to raise the kids. It is all about the kids. When you decided to leave a marriage their is usually a very little severance package for you, their lawyer will lie and become a best selling novelist and you become the villian. So I started my art business, I started a blog with friends and I am ( thanks to a childhood friend) given an opportunity to start as a sales rep. for their company commission based. Well, its a start but will take time to build up any real revenue all the while being a mom to four children, school activities, after school activities, meals, doctors appt., clothing, supplies, baths, etc. etc. time is very limited. I hear repeatedly... " You wanted this!" I feel sometimes like I am in the ocean and my ex is standing on the boat holding the life jacket saying.... " you wanted to jump in! this is your fate now!!!" It gets you so mad at times you would rather drown than be saved.
But then these words flash in my head.... my children (enough said), eating (I'm italian remember) shopping (I would miss the new trends half joking here!!) love ( one day I hope to have that feeling again) Pray ( It has kept me on this earth so far). I am excited to see the movie... Eat. Pray, Love. I know why she did what she did, she had too! Maybe I won't feel so alone and I certainly will be excited to see her find happiness and It may restore my faith in fate! at least for a few hours!
XO Kimberly
i love these lessons. even though they can be so complicated and not so easy to apply. at 51 yrs old and getting out of a lifetime of bad relationships (stepdad,and 2 abusive husbands) ive finally figured out that who i am is important. it's been quite a journey these past 3 yrs.
Posted by: Dorpad1557 | 08/25/2010 at 02:18 PM
You made some very good points. Hang in there. I think this is a long journey, but it sounds like you are handling it well.
Posted by: NkdGirlinaDress | 09/03/2010 at 04:56 PM